The Darkness


Damn what is this place? I said this to myself as I walked out of the shadows. It this real? It wasn’t, but it was to me. I found myself in a deep hole not quite able to see out of  and what I did see wasn’t really meaningful. My mind is shrouded in disbelief that there was a world like I remembered. Nothing makes sense to me. Is there anyone else that see’s what I see or feels and thinks like me? I must be going loony. I don’t feel anymore. I don’t care anymore. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Dark confused and half crazed, that is what it is like to live in the hole I lived in. You don’t give a rats ass and you live accordingly. You never let anyone in, and you don’t get to close to anyone. If you do something terrible will happen to them or to you and you can’t live with that. You never say anything, you just listen. After all, if you talk someone will see the paranoia. The depression seems to last for years. I must keep active to keep my mind from exploding. Why do they all leave me here alone, am I that bad? I seem to just go to work and eat, sleep  and go to work again. Ride my motorcycle, go fishing or hunting. It will be peaceful there and no one to catch me in my world of nothing. Then I have to go home again and do the chores. Everyone is gone again, its lonely here. I think someone is trying to get me. Then I realize I’m not afraid of anything. So come and try. I don’t know is this really happening or is it a dream.

This is the mind I had after war, after church, after divorce, after death, after alone, still at times though not often. Remembering brings sorrow. Yet, there is something quiet still and solid that is not part of me. I think there is another life in me somewhere that I can’t seem to be a part of. It really is the part that keeps me steady. Giving me peace when I need it. It causes me to continue on the path on this side. He walks with me through the valley of the shadow death.

Now at this time, I’m at peace, I have discovered that I can let others in. Love is near me always. I long to find a way to make all things right with my children. I want them to somehow know me and maybe even understand. Mostly though, I want whatever darkness I left them to be removed and that there lives can go on to a fabulous time with their family.

Could everyone, my family and my friends please forgive me?

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~ by spiritualhypster on 11/06/2011.

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